Dog with two bones.
Back in the day, I had a choice to make. A or B.
"A" was someone that I had known since high school. We were friends, as is "Oh, Hi!", as our circle of friends and acquaintances intersected through some of the same school classes, clubs, and activities.
"A" grew up kinda poor, but was focused on going to college. Had career plans. Had a plan.
We dated throughout Junior year and Senior year in High School. We went steady. Proms.
Then we went to college. Were together for a while, then broke up.
After breaking up, I met "B" via someone I was dating post break up.
"B" was exciting. Outgoing. Beautiful. A bit flirty. A bit kinky. I was interested. We connected.
It lasted one summer. We would connect a weekend at a time. The phone calls were hot. The cards endearing.
I had to choose. At least, in my mind I was already thinking 'next steps' with my life, and engagements, or marriage. I was not thinking of just playing the field, and that I just wanted to play.
By the end of that summer, I chose. "A" had called a few times, wanted "to talk." We then met for lunch. They wanted me back.
I waffled for a while. Eventually, I chose the person that had a plan, was working on graduate college classes. The one that looked sensible, a good 'risk' to settle down with.
Today, almost twenty years later, I have a family. A good job, career job, with benefits for all of my immediate family members. All good stuff. To the outside world my wife and I have a normal marriage. Not great, not fantastic, not terrible. Normal. Ups and downs that I hear all my married acquaintances also share, those that do share such things, from time to time.
But. My "A" choice also ended up being a sexless marriage.
Looking back, all the signs were there. We did not have sex anywhere near as often as I read about in relationship articles for frequency of sex. Did not even have sex on our honeymoon. It was every two weeks or so, even at the beginning, when things are supposedly sex hot and heavy.
Today, almost twenty yeas later, my "B" choice has had a marriage, is divorced or separated, no kids, but still seems to have a lot of fun. Has an active social life. Has a job, but seems not what I would call a career job. She is a free spirit, and I still feel her pull., but she would not be a good choice for me anymore. I know she would find me too confining, not enough fun. My kids would probably be a negative. Only once I was an empty nest parent, might she and I be a candidate for FWB, but not likely anything more.
So, those were my two bones.
If, today, I was single or divorced, I would take what I learned from both, and try to find a new, third choice. Early in dating I would now ask if they enjoyed kinky sex, from time to time. I would not want them to hesitate and say, "well, sure" just to not close the door. I want what I have always wanted: someone kinky, that likes roleplay, BDSM, and such. I want someone that is bisexual, or bi-curious. Swinging experienced, or would like to do. Someone that liked sex. Fetishes compatible with my fetishes, and such. (Truly. Seriously.)
But, I also want someone that is self-reliant, and not co-dependent. I want them to have their own career job. Good salary. Condo owner, or house owner. Successful, at least in terms of self-reliance. I want them to be with me because we compliment each other, enjoy each other. Not because I have a good salary and benefits that they can hang off of. If they were also divorced, with grown up and self-reliant kids, would also be likely okay, as we would have that in common.
So, I want a mix of what was good about my two choices. Perhaps such a person is a unicorn. Doesn't exist. Fantasy. The most likely way I would meet this Unicorn would be via a site like Fetlife, or at a BDSM club (like Threshold, The Lair, or such).
But that is what I will hope to have. Someday.
Or, perhaps I will get a cosmic shock, and find something I never even thought would be a great match.
Until such time that Fate has such a Person or Situation find me, I will stick to my Commitment. I am not actively looking. After months of thought before making this entry: I am not planning to cheat. I had thought of having a FWB, but don't think I will be able to have such a situation, and have it work out. I will stick to my Commitment, and the Future will have to wait until, well, the future.